"We cannot do everything in Africa, but doing nothing is not an option." -Lee H. Hamilton
Last night, at our college group, we watched the Nooma video, Store. Throughout the video Rob Bell talks about anger and the things that make us angry and whether or not that helps the situation. Then he starts talking about things that it's okay to be angry with and how Jesus used his anger to fix things and make the world better.
At one point he starts talking about our purpose. He suggests that when trying to find your purpose or career in life that instead of looking at what we love to do, we should look at what makes us angry.
Woah.
Like, for real.
That pretty much just changed my life.
I am starting to get that feeling I had in January of 2007 when I couldn't stand to be here any longer. There's an organization called Dusty Feet Ministries. They use the quote, "The dust of Africa will never leave the soles of your feet." I can't describe to you how true that is.
My first trip to Africa literally changed my life. I have never been the same and I never will be. I will never be able to walk past a jewelry store without thinking about the slaves that are digging the diamonds out of mines. I will never be able to look at a pair of tennis shoes without thinking of the people making them who can't afford to buy them with year's worth of income. I can't walk into a grocery store without thinking of the thousands of people that die every day from starvation.
I am so burdened by these thoughts and it makes it really hard to be here sometimes. I know that God is totally working in my life right now and I am so excited at all the things He has planned for me. Now, I just have to wait.
Tunes!
"Ain't No Reason" by Brett Dennen (where the title comes from... awesome video!)
"When the Saints" by Sara Groves
"All I Need" by Radiohead (the video doesn't really go with the song but it is incredible)
So, Korea is still a no go. Not surprising. And just as I'm getting really comfortable with the thought of staying here, I get thrown right back into confusion.
I may very well be able to start my dream job as soon as I graduate.
Working with former child soldiers in Gulu, Uganda.
So, this being my dream job and all, you'd think I would be jumping all over it. But I'm still tentative. I hate that. I wish that I really could have winsome abandon when it comes to following God's will. I just get too stuck in my head and don't let my heart lead me.
My best friend asked me if I would come home if I felt like it was dangerous... and I couldn't say I definitely would. That scares me.
I'm surprisingly calm about this. I am feeling a lot closer to God than I have been in a long time and I think that is a huge part of it. I'm actually getting excited about what He has planned even though I don't know what it is... which is something I have always struggled with. I know that no matter what happens, I am going to be okay. And for now, that's enough.
Recently played:
"Where I Belong" by Cory Asbury (where the title comes from)
"Little Flowers" by Denison Witmer
"Albertine" by Brooke Fraser
"Song to Self" by Travis
So, I think I have come to a decision...
Unless I get some miraculous sign, I will not be applying to go to Korea.
(enter sigh of relief here)
I'm relieved not because I necessarily think Korea would have been the worst thing in the world... it's mainly because I'm glad to have a decision made. This is something that has (quite obviously from the previous post) really been weighing heavy on me. A good friend of mine remarked on how happy I looked when I told her. I consider myself a pretty happy person but hearing her say that made me realize how long I had been visibly upset about making this decision. I feel totally revived.
Within 24 hours of having made this decision and speaking the words out loud, I had 2 possible job opportunities and a place to live. If that isn't a sign, I don't know what is.
I am completely ecstatic about what is going on with Invisible Children. I'm sure most of you know how much this organization has literally changed my life. I would never have thought that I would have a passion for child soldiers in Uganda and now I can't imagine my life any other way. I will be updating more on this as April 25 gets closer.
I bought a new planner today so I'm going to be super motivated for a couple weeks. I also found out that my favorite ball point pen comes in 8 different colors. I wish you could have seen the excitement on my face as I was leaving Staples.
I'm off to write a paper that I could really care less about. Hopefully, it won't be too painful.
Tunes for you...
"In Your Atmosphere" by John Mayer (where the title comes from)
"I Was So Alone" by The Rocket Summer
"My Heart" by Paramore
So the last week has been, in a word, consuming. I had 4 tests last week, homework on top of that, GAL stuff, and just a lot on my mind. I don't know if I have ever had a stretch of so many days in a row where I have just felt so heavy. To tell you the truth, I know that it is only by God's grace that I made it to the weekend without having a major breakdown. I have some really big, really hard decisions to make here in the next few weeks and months and every time I feel like I have an answer, something happens to throw me right back into a state of chaos and questioning. I don't have things figured out. At all. These are the hardest, most important, life-changing decisions I have ever had to deal with and I hate it.
On one hand, I feel like the opportunity to go to S. Korea and teach English for a year or more would be incredible. It is the first and only opportunity that has really presented itself to me and that, among many others, is one of the reasons that I really have felt called to go there. Being able to start substantially paying off my student loans and immerse myself into a culture I know very little about are both huge perks. Another reason I feel like Korea is a good option is how far out of my comfort zone that is. I have become so comfortable here. I've never lived more than an hour and a half from the home I have lived in my entire life. I have found so much comfort and security in having my friends and family so close to me and my biggest fear about going to Korea is something happening to someone I love and not being able to be there. Having to completely rely on God and trust that His plan for my life and the lives of those I love is far better than what I could come up with would be a huge growing experience. I feel like one thing I really struggle with trusting God with is the lives of those I love. If I can't be here to take care of them, I will have to trust that He will. Last week, I started really thinking about being gone for a year in a foreign country, quite possibly with no one else I know and I almost threw up. I have never been more scared of anything in my entire life.
On the other hand, staying here would present some challenges as well. Trying to find a job right now in a profession that is already hard to get into without a Master's degree does not sound appealing whatsoever. The amount of student loan debt I have accumulated is atrocious and I want to get that taken care of relatively soon. I realize that school debt is "good debt" but I don't want it to have me tied down my whole life. I told myself that I would never leave the country long term before I had my loans paid off. Obviously, this wouldn't apply to Korea because of how much it would be helping me to pay off those loans. There are so many things that I have gotten involved with this year that I would love to follow through with.
These two options are hard enough but on top of it, I really just want to save the world. God has blessed me with an unbridled passion for the children of the world who don't have a voice. My heart aches just thinking about the child soldiers in Uganda, the 5 year old girls in brothels in Nepal, and the 40,000 children all over the world that die every single day from hunger-related diseases. I feel so helpless sometimes and I just want to drop everything and go to their rescue. That's what made me go to Uganda in the first place. I had to do something about it. I could not stand to know about the things going on in Uganda and not go there and try to do something about it. Americans think throwing money at the problems of the third world is enough and the truth is that it's not. Often times, it makes things worse because when that money runs out people are still unable to take care of themselves. I get so frustrated sometimes because, right now, I can't be there. I feel guilty crawling into my warm bed every night knowing that those things are going on. I feel totally blessed to have the things I have and I just want to use those blessings to better the world.
I am really having a hard time with this. I have been trying to be vulnerable and ask people for advice and spilling my guts about this over and over and it has been a really frustrating experience. I feel like everyone has a biased opinion on what I should do. The people I love the most, want me to stay. And I get that. I am struggling to trust the people that I normally trust the most to speak truth into my life because I know that they definitely have an opinion on the issue. I need a completely neutral third party to bounce things off of, but I'm really struggling to find someone I trust enough to do that with. I really do love you all, this decision just keeps getting harder to deal with.
I really just want to find what God's will is for my life and seek after it wholeheartedly. In the past, my big decisions have been super easy for me to make. When I decided to go to Uganda, I had no doubt that I was doing exactly what I was supposed to be the entire time. Through all of my passport troubles and other problems I had, I never doubted. But this time around, I haven't had that clear answer. I think that's one of the reasons I've been so frustrated with this whole thing. I have absolutely no idea where I'm going to be 6 months from now. Last week, I could not stop thinking about this fact and it was beginning to physically make me sick trying to figure it out. This week, I haven't given it much thought and I'm feeling better. I just can't think about it anymore. So I decided not to. I am going to be patient and wait for that still small whisper to guide me. Because more than anything... more than wanting to pay off my student loans, more than wanting to stay close to my family and friends, more than wanting to save the world... I want to do what God has intended for my life.
This title comes from the song "If You Want Me To" by Ginny Owens. There have been so many times in my life where this song has just really spoken to me and this is definitely one of them.
I have a lot of really exciting upbeat stuff to talk about. I'll be doing that soon. I just really needed to get a lot of that off my chest. Peace.
