"Why do I worry? Why do I freak out?... You know what I need."

Posted by c3 , Monday, April 27, 2009 5:39 PM


So it's been far too long since my last post and I sincerely apologize. Most of you know how ridiculous my schedule has been, but that's not much of an excuse. Up until last Wednesday I was on the verge of a breakdown. I was super stressed with school and it was starting to make me physically sick. And then the thought of me getting sick stressed me out even more so it was pretty much a vicious cycle that ended with me being completely burnt out and really just wanting to curl up in a dark room and cry.


However, I did super well on the MFAT and I might have a job here in Springfield and if that works out I have a place to live too. I literally got all this news within about 10 minutes of each other. It was such an amazing feeling to have all that weight lifted from me. I literally felt like I was alive again.

I have really been trying to work on not worrying lately. It's something I really struggle with. Stress really messes me up. When I get stressed, I can't eat or sleep which makes it even worse. I think Jon Foreman said it best in his song "Your Love Is Strong". "Why do I worry? Why do I freak out? God knows what I need. You know what I need." Seriously. God knows what I need. Even now. He has it under control.

It's really funny that as I'm writing this blog about stress I've received multiple stress inducing phone calls. I can feel my stomach churning and I am trying really hard to breathe. I need to learn to give it over to God. Someone once told me, "You can't do anything to mess up God's plans for your life." That's super encouraging. I just need to remind myself of that.

Psalm 18:30
As for God, his way is perfect; the word of the LORD is flawless. He is a shield for all who take refuge in him.

Psalm 33:11
But the plans of the LORD stand firm forever, the purposes of his heart through all generations.

Proverbs 16:1
To man belong the plans of the heart, but from the LORD comes the reply of the tongue.

I'm just going to pray it out.


Quick update on my life:
  • Things are good. School is almost over. 17 days until graduation. That's really strange to me.
  • Brett and I had our first date last week, over 3 weeks after we made it official thanks to my schedule, and it was absolutely incredible. I can't believe how blessed I am by him.
  • The Rescue was Saturday and it was really great. 3 cities are still waiting to be rescued. They've been out for over 70 hours. I wish I could be in Wichita.
  • I have recently rediscovered my love for libraries. I love the smell of old books. I wish that came in a can. The scent is so distracting that I can't really go there to study. I think I'm going to call Febreeze and suggest "Original Copies of Jane Austen's Anthology" as their newest scent. Books that old have to smell awesome.
  • I am still really working on opening up to people and being vulnerable and it's getting easier. Even just through the Bible Study I lead with Jayci, I can see how God is totally giving me some awesome opportunities to open up to people and to offer the experiences of my life, good and bad, as words of advice and proof of His unfailing love for us. It still sucks sometimes but I can definitely feel myself stretching and growing and that feels really great.
  • It's been really cool to see God's plan for my life unfolding a little in the past week or so. With the possibility that I might be staying in Springfield this summer, several opportunities to get involved in different things have come up. One being to help out with The Magdalene Project board of directors. I would love for this to be a reality. I think I'm still trying to guard my heart a little though. I don't want to be super let down if something ends up not working out. I totally trust God to put me wherever He wants me. I am really excited about it and I am trying to stay excited instead of getting nervous.

That's a quick overview. Now that school has begrudgingly given my life back to me, I will probably be updating more frequently. All that to say, you won't have to suffer through any more ridiculously long posts like this.

So, if you've gotten this far, take a deep breath (inhale through the nose, hold for 5 seconds, exhale through the mouth).

Now... tell me that didn't feel awesome. :)


Soundtrack of my life, as of late:
"Falling In Love at a Coffee Shop" by Landon Pigg
"Near To You" by A Fine Frenzy
"Can't Take My Eyes Off of You" by Muse

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"You're under lock and key, all by yourself."

Posted by c3 , Monday, April 6, 2009 10:08 PM


So, I like keys. Like a lot. It's something that just started about a year and a half ago. People ask me why and I still don't really know. They cover the walls of my room and I'm just now starting to figure it out... maybe.

The last 6 months or so I've started to realize how closed up I am. For the most part, I consider myself a pretty open person. However, that only goes so far. Just within the last month or so it has become blatantly obvious how guarded I am. And that's not necessarily a bad thing. Except now that the time has come for me to start letting down my guard, I am really struggling.

So, I'm thinking part of my obsession with keys, subconsciously of course, is that I'm locked up really tight. I have really been fighting the urge to run away and hide from the world because if I'm being vulnerable then I'm making myself open to being hurt. And that is really scary. I'm much better at not letting people in. I have a hard time understanding all these concepts. I need to realize that I deserve to be loved. That seems simple enough, right? Ha. But I'm working on it...

The last few weeks have been awesome. Spring break was incredible. It was so much fun being a tourist in my hometown. I haven't had that much fun at home in a really long time. Staying up late every night, watching tons of movies, and just hanging out was something I totally needed. School is getting crazy. Inevitably. Graduation is 37 days away and I have no idea what I'm going to be doing. That's scary. And kind of exciting.

All in all, my life is really great right now. I am so blessed.

songs from "Recently Played"...
"Lock and Key" by Sandra McCracken (title comes from this song)
"Goodbye Waves and Driveways" by The Rocket Summer
"If I Fell" by The Beatles performed by Evan Rachel Wood (Across The Universe Soundtrack)

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