I can't believe that today is the last day of 2009.
Absolutely blows my mind.
This year has been full of big moments for me. I started dating the most amazing man, I graduated from college, watched my brother graduate from high school, got a big girl job, got engaged to said amazing man, got rid of the big girl job, got a job doing something I absolutely love, helped plan an amazing women's conference, got married, celebrate my best friend getting engaged...
This year has been full of milestones. I gained a ton of family who are all absolutely wonderful. My new extended family is nothing like my extended family.
I could never have imagined what God had in store for me this year. I think of celebrating New Years in St. Louis with friends and just being carefree and excited for the future. It's crazy to think about how much has changed in just a year. It hasn't been easy, by any means. I don't really like change. I like being comfortable and knowing what's going to happen and when. I like to have a schedule and stick to it. This year has definitely tested me in that respect. I have constantly been in transition. Trying to figure out how to go from having been single for a very long time to being in a relationship, figuring out what to do post graduation, moving twice, having two jobs since May...
But I couldn't be happier. I have been stretched much further than I thought possible. I have been stressed to the point of having hives. I have at many times just wanted everything to to stop. But I am a better person because of it all. I have learned a lot about myself and I am still learning.
I am so excited for the coming year and everything God has in store. I know that things probably won't be slowing down anytime soon (Brett and I have only slept in our house 3 nights since the wedding) but I am learning to deal with that. So for now, I am going to eat breakfast with my family, play Wii Resort, and not think about all the thank you cards I have to write. I love you all!
Light by The Rocket Summer... such a perfect song! Check out the lyrics:
All I needed was a light in the darkest place
I've ever been in all my life
As I try to find my way in the changing seasons of my life
And my eyes don't see the things I'm living for have been course
Are they done? Are they just?
They give in
I'm old enough to know that time doesn't move slow enough
I'm young enough to know that I can ever be too old enough to trust you
Higher (and higher)
I want to go away with you
Some say your fire (your fire)
Is through
But I don't wanna think that way
So you lost your job and your girl
And it crushed your soul
And while you're standing at the fork in the road
So you wet your finger hold it up
There's no wind there telling you where you should go
So you try, try to trust
While you're bedridden
I'm old enough to know that time doesn't move slow enough
I'm young enough to know that I can never be too old enough to trust you
Higher (and higher)
I want to go away with you
Some say your fire (your fire)
Is through
But I don't...
Wanna...
I am yours, do what you wish
I am yours, I am yours and I know this
Whatever happens next is in your hands, in your plans
Nothing less
In everything there is a choice
Through the joy, through the pain I will rejoice
I am yours, do what you wish
I am yours, I am yours and I know this
Save me, cuz I need it
And I can't help but feel desperate
My desires seem to be coming to their endings
But I will trust it's not the end
But a great beginning
I think I've discovered the reason I haven't blogged since May... I mostly blogged when I was procrastinating something. I haven't had anything to really put off since then. But now, with less than 5 days until my wedding there are approximately 13 trillion things to do, none of which interest me in the slightest.
It's not that I don't want to get married... I'm just more excited about the marriage than the wedding. A good problem to have, I do believe.
I have been such a sap lately. I know it is partially because of the extremely high amounts of stress but it's just been out of control. I think part of it is also because I know my world as I know it is about to drastically change. I've spent most of the afternoon looking through pictures from my birth until now. Pictures of my family, best friends I haven't talked to in years, grandparents who have passed on, little league sports, birthdays, Christmases, Halloweens,...
It's weird. It's a weird feeling that my name is going to change. That is such a huge part of my identity (I think it probably is for most people). It's just strange. Unexplainable to say the least.
I've really been trying hard the last few days to not stress. Yesterday I just couldn't stop crying. I think it is in part to the fact that I haven't been sleeping well for the last few months. I am just exhausted. I knew we should've eloped.
Next semester I should be able to blog more. I'm going to have to work at it but I'll do my best. For now, I will leave you with some ear candy... I apologize for them being sappy... I've been in wedding playlist mode for weeks now... gross, I know. :)
Lemonade by Chris Rice (where the title came from)
Summer Song by Wavorly
Walk With You by Edwin McCain (I'm dancing with my dad to this at the wedding!)
Mama's Song by Carrie Underwood (I gifted this to my mom on iTunes... she's going to cry. I did too.)
Sweet and Low (acoustic) by Augustana
I am having my last office hours for GAL right now. In a little over an hour I will be starting the last class of my undergraduate degree. That is so weird. Over the last week or so I've had a lot of "lasts." My last tests, last homework assignments, last papers. It's definitely a bittersweet feeling. The littlest things have become really emotional. I really won't miss having to circle the parking lot for 25 minutes looking for a spot but I'll miss doing the victory dance when I find one. I'll miss walking through campus and seeing tons of people I know. I won't miss staying up all night writing papers. I won't miss sitting through hours and hours of lecture. I think it will really set in come fall when I don't go back to school. That is going to be really weird.
I'm not all that excited about graduation. Graduation ceremonies are boring. I don't even want to go so I feel guilty inviting people. I guess I just don't see the ceremony as that big of a deal. I would totally not go if that were an option.
I'll be starting my job the week after graduation. I'll be moving in with Lee Ellen starting next week. It's crazy how things have fallen into place. I was talking to a friend of mine yesterday and just thinking about how the last few months have been such a whirlwind. The most encouraging thing about it is that there is no way I had anything to do with it. What I mean by that is I could not have planned this out. If someone had come up to me a year ago and told me what my life would be like now I would have laughed. To see how everything has worked out is such a testament to God's plan for my life. I love it. It feels really great to be in His will.
It is such a relief to be able to let myself be excited about things now that I know I'm staying here. I'll be working with the board of directors for The Magdalene Project. We're putting on a conference in September so there will be tons of planning to do and I'm really excited about that. I've been trying really hard to not get my hopes up about things, just in case, so it has been really refreshing to be able to get really excited about stuff. :)
Well, I'm off to class. I am pretty stoked about it being my last class, however, I am convinced it is going to be extremely painful. Art history lecture in preparation for our essay final. No good. Enjoy the beautiful weather and some tunes to go along with it!
Musical selections for the week:
So it's been far too long since my last post and I sincerely apologize. Most of you know how ridiculous my schedule has been, but that's not much of an excuse. Up until last Wednesday I was on the verge of a breakdown. I was super stressed with school and it was starting to make me physically sick. And then the thought of me getting sick stressed me out even more so it was pretty much a vicious cycle that ended with me being completely burnt out and really just wanting to curl up in a dark room and cry.
However, I did super well on the MFAT and I might have a job here in Springfield and if that works out I have a place to live too. I literally got all this news within about 10 minutes of each other. It was such an amazing feeling to have all that weight lifted from me. I literally felt like I was alive again.
I have really been trying to work on not worrying lately. It's something I really struggle with. Stress really messes me up. When I get stressed, I can't eat or sleep which makes it even worse. I think Jon Foreman said it best in his song
"Your Love Is Strong". "Why do I worry? Why do I freak out? God knows what I need. You know what I need." Seriously. God knows what I need. Even now. He has it under control.
It's really funny that as I'm writing this blog about stress I've received multiple stress inducing phone calls. I can feel my stomach churning and I am trying really hard to breathe. I need to learn to give it over to God. Someone once told me, "You can't do anything to mess up God's plans for your life." That's super encouraging. I just need to remind myself of that.
Psalm 18:30
As for God, his way is perfect; the word of the LORD is flawless. He is a shield for all who take refuge in him.
Psalm 33:11
But the plans of the LORD stand firm forever, the purposes of his heart through all generations.
Proverbs 16:1
To man belong the plans of the heart, but from the LORD comes the reply of the tongue.
I'm just going to pray it out.
Quick update on my life:
- Things are good. School is almost over. 17 days until graduation. That's really strange to me.
- Brett and I had our first date last week, over 3 weeks after we made it official thanks to my schedule, and it was absolutely incredible. I can't believe how blessed I am by him.
- The Rescue was Saturday and it was really great. 3 cities are still waiting to be rescued. They've been out for over 70 hours. I wish I could be in Wichita.
- I have recently rediscovered my love for libraries. I love the smell of old books. I wish that came in a can. The scent is so distracting that I can't really go there to study. I think I'm going to call Febreeze and suggest "Original Copies of Jane Austen's Anthology" as their newest scent. Books that old have to smell awesome.
- I am still really working on opening up to people and being vulnerable and it's getting easier. Even just through the Bible Study I lead with Jayci, I can see how God is totally giving me some awesome opportunities to open up to people and to offer the experiences of my life, good and bad, as words of advice and proof of His unfailing love for us. It still sucks sometimes but I can definitely feel myself stretching and growing and that feels really great.
- It's been really cool to see God's plan for my life unfolding a little in the past week or so. With the possibility that I might be staying in Springfield this summer, several opportunities to get involved in different things have come up. One being to help out with The Magdalene Project board of directors. I would love for this to be a reality. I think I'm still trying to guard my heart a little though. I don't want to be super let down if something ends up not working out. I totally trust God to put me wherever He wants me. I am really excited about it and I am trying to stay excited instead of getting nervous.
That's a quick overview. Now that school has begrudgingly given my life back to me, I will probably be updating more frequently. All that to say, you won't have to suffer through any more ridiculously long posts like this.
So, if you've gotten this far, take a deep breath (inhale through the nose, hold for 5 seconds, exhale through the mouth).
Now... tell me that didn't feel awesome. :)
Soundtrack of my life, as of late:
"Falling In Love at a Coffee Shop" by Landon Pigg
"Near To You" by A Fine Frenzy
"Can't Take My Eyes Off of You" by Muse
So, I like keys. Like a lot. It's something that just started about a year and a half ago. People ask me why and I still don't really know. They cover the walls of my room and I'm just now starting to figure it out... maybe.
The last 6 months or so I've started to realize how closed up I am. For the most part, I consider myself a pretty open person. However, that only goes so far. Just within the last month or so it has become blatantly obvious how guarded I am. And that's not necessarily a bad thing. Except now that the time has come for me to start letting down my guard, I am really struggling.
So, I'm thinking part of my obsession with keys, subconsciously of course, is that I'm locked up really tight. I have really been fighting the urge to run away and hide from the world because if I'm being vulnerable then I'm making myself open to being hurt. And that is really scary. I'm much better at not letting people in. I have a hard time understanding all these concepts. I need to realize that I deserve to be loved. That seems simple enough, right? Ha. But I'm working on it...
The last few weeks have been awesome. Spring break was incredible. It was so much fun being a tourist in my hometown. I haven't had that much fun at home in a really long time. Staying up late every night, watching tons of movies, and just hanging out was something I totally needed. School is getting crazy. Inevitably. Graduation is 37 days away and I have no idea what I'm going to be doing. That's scary. And kind of exciting.
All in all, my life is really great right now. I am so blessed.
songs from "Recently Played"...
"Lock and Key" by Sandra McCracken (title comes from this song)
"Goodbye Waves and Driveways" by The Rocket Summer
"If I Fell" by The Beatles performed by Evan Rachel Wood (Across The Universe Soundtrack)
"We cannot do everything in Africa, but doing nothing is not an option." -Lee H. Hamilton
Last night, at our college group, we watched the Nooma video, Store. Throughout the video Rob Bell talks about anger and the things that make us angry and whether or not that helps the situation. Then he starts talking about things that it's okay to be angry with and how Jesus used his anger to fix things and make the world better.
At one point he starts talking about our purpose. He suggests that when trying to find your purpose or career in life that instead of looking at what we love to do, we should look at what makes us angry.
Woah.
Like, for real.
That pretty much just changed my life.
I am starting to get that feeling I had in January of 2007 when I couldn't stand to be here any longer. There's an organization called Dusty Feet Ministries. They use the quote, "The dust of Africa will never leave the soles of your feet." I can't describe to you how true that is.
My first trip to Africa literally changed my life. I have never been the same and I never will be. I will never be able to walk past a jewelry store without thinking about the slaves that are digging the diamonds out of mines. I will never be able to look at a pair of tennis shoes without thinking of the people making them who can't afford to buy them with year's worth of income. I can't walk into a grocery store without thinking of the thousands of people that die every day from starvation.
I am so burdened by these thoughts and it makes it really hard to be here sometimes. I know that God is totally working in my life right now and I am so excited at all the things He has planned for me. Now, I just have to wait.
Tunes!
"Ain't No Reason" by Brett Dennen (where the title comes from... awesome video!)
"When the Saints" by Sara Groves
"All I Need" by Radiohead (the video doesn't really go with the song but it is incredible)
So, Korea is still a no go. Not surprising. And just as I'm getting really comfortable with the thought of staying here, I get thrown right back into confusion.
I may very well be able to start my dream job as soon as I graduate.
Working with former child soldiers in Gulu, Uganda.
So, this being my dream job and all, you'd think I would be jumping all over it. But I'm still tentative. I hate that. I wish that I really could have winsome abandon when it comes to following God's will. I just get too stuck in my head and don't let my heart lead me.
My best friend asked me if I would come home if I felt like it was dangerous... and I couldn't say I definitely would. That scares me.
I'm surprisingly calm about this. I am feeling a lot closer to God than I have been in a long time and I think that is a huge part of it. I'm actually getting excited about what He has planned even though I don't know what it is... which is something I have always struggled with. I know that no matter what happens, I am going to be okay. And for now, that's enough.
Recently played:
"Where I Belong" by Cory Asbury (where the title comes from)
"Little Flowers" by Denison Witmer
"Albertine" by Brooke Fraser
"Song to Self" by Travis
So, I think I have come to a decision...
Unless I get some miraculous sign, I will not be applying to go to Korea.
(enter sigh of relief here)
I'm relieved not because I necessarily think Korea would have been the worst thing in the world... it's mainly because I'm glad to have a decision made. This is something that has (quite obviously from the previous post) really been weighing heavy on me. A good friend of mine remarked on how happy I looked when I told her. I consider myself a pretty happy person but hearing her say that made me realize how long I had been visibly upset about making this decision. I feel totally revived.
Within 24 hours of having made this decision and speaking the words out loud, I had 2 possible job opportunities and a place to live. If that isn't a sign, I don't know what is.
I am completely ecstatic about what is going on with Invisible Children. I'm sure most of you know how much this organization has literally changed my life. I would never have thought that I would have a passion for child soldiers in Uganda and now I can't imagine my life any other way. I will be updating more on this as April 25 gets closer.
I bought a new planner today so I'm going to be super motivated for a couple weeks. I also found out that my favorite ball point pen comes in 8 different colors. I wish you could have seen the excitement on my face as I was leaving Staples.
I'm off to write a paper that I could really care less about. Hopefully, it won't be too painful.
Tunes for you...
"In Your Atmosphere" by John Mayer (where the title comes from)
"I Was So Alone" by The Rocket Summer
"My Heart" by Paramore
So the last week has been, in a word, consuming. I had 4 tests last week, homework on top of that, GAL stuff, and just a lot on my mind. I don't know if I have ever had a stretch of so many days in a row where I have just felt so heavy. To tell you the truth, I know that it is only by God's grace that I made it to the weekend without having a major breakdown. I have some really big, really hard decisions to make here in the next few weeks and months and every time I feel like I have an answer, something happens to throw me right back into a state of chaos and questioning. I don't have things figured out. At all. These are the hardest, most important, life-changing decisions I have ever had to deal with and I hate it.
On one hand, I feel like the opportunity to go to S. Korea and teach English for a year or more would be incredible. It is the first and only opportunity that has really presented itself to me and that, among many others, is one of the reasons that I really have felt called to go there. Being able to start substantially paying off my student loans and immerse myself into a culture I know very little about are both huge perks. Another reason I feel like Korea is a good option is how far out of my comfort zone that is. I have become so comfortable here. I've never lived more than an hour and a half from the home I have lived in my entire life. I have found so much comfort and security in having my friends and family so close to me and my biggest fear about going to Korea is something happening to someone I love and not being able to be there. Having to completely rely on God and trust that His plan for my life and the lives of those I love is far better than what I could come up with would be a huge growing experience. I feel like one thing I really struggle with trusting God with is the lives of those I love. If I can't be here to take care of them, I will have to trust that He will. Last week, I started really thinking about being gone for a year in a foreign country, quite possibly with no one else I know and I almost threw up. I have never been more scared of anything in my entire life.
On the other hand, staying here would present some challenges as well. Trying to find a job right now in a profession that is already hard to get into without a Master's degree does not sound appealing whatsoever. The amount of student loan debt I have accumulated is atrocious and I want to get that taken care of relatively soon. I realize that school debt is "good debt" but I don't want it to have me tied down my whole life. I told myself that I would never leave the country long term before I had my loans paid off. Obviously, this wouldn't apply to Korea because of how much it would be helping me to pay off those loans. There are so many things that I have gotten involved with this year that I would love to follow through with.
These two options are hard enough but on top of it, I really just want to save the world. God has blessed me with an unbridled passion for the children of the world who don't have a voice. My heart aches just thinking about the child soldiers in Uganda, the 5 year old girls in brothels in Nepal, and the 40,000 children all over the world that die every single day from hunger-related diseases. I feel so helpless sometimes and I just want to drop everything and go to their rescue. That's what made me go to Uganda in the first place. I had to do something about it. I could not stand to know about the things going on in Uganda and not go there and try to do something about it. Americans think throwing money at the problems of the third world is enough and the truth is that it's not. Often times, it makes things worse because when that money runs out people are still unable to take care of themselves. I get so frustrated sometimes because, right now, I can't be there. I feel guilty crawling into my warm bed every night knowing that those things are going on. I feel totally blessed to have the things I have and I just want to use those blessings to better the world.
I am really having a hard time with this. I have been trying to be vulnerable and ask people for advice and spilling my guts about this over and over and it has been a really frustrating experience. I feel like everyone has a biased opinion on what I should do. The people I love the most, want me to stay. And I get that. I am struggling to trust the people that I normally trust the most to speak truth into my life because I know that they definitely have an opinion on the issue. I need a completely neutral third party to bounce things off of, but I'm really struggling to find someone I trust enough to do that with. I really do love you all, this decision just keeps getting harder to deal with.
I really just want to find what God's will is for my life and seek after it wholeheartedly. In the past, my big decisions have been super easy for me to make. When I decided to go to Uganda, I had no doubt that I was doing exactly what I was supposed to be the entire time. Through all of my passport troubles and other problems I had, I never doubted. But this time around, I haven't had that clear answer. I think that's one of the reasons I've been so frustrated with this whole thing. I have absolutely no idea where I'm going to be 6 months from now. Last week, I could not stop thinking about this fact and it was beginning to physically make me sick trying to figure it out. This week, I haven't given it much thought and I'm feeling better. I just can't think about it anymore. So I decided not to. I am going to be patient and wait for that still small whisper to guide me. Because more than anything... more than wanting to pay off my student loans, more than wanting to stay close to my family and friends, more than wanting to save the world... I want to do what God has intended for my life.
This title comes from the song "If You Want Me To" by Ginny Owens. There have been so many times in my life where this song has just really spoken to me and this is definitely one of them.
I have a lot of really exciting upbeat stuff to talk about. I'll be doing that soon. I just really needed to get a lot of that off my chest. Peace.
My side of the house feels really empty. It's surprising how different it is. I really wish I could get an animal. Ha... not a good idea. I need something super low maintenance but with enough personality to actually be worth it. A fish is just not going to cut it at this point. I've kinda always wanted a hedgehog... they're expensive though. I would not name it Sonic. I could get a snake but I don't think I could feed it live mice. I would probably cry every single time. I guess I'll just have to wait until I'm an adult, with an adult life, and an adult schedule. Then I can get a dog.
On another note, this weekend was great. I did nothing, really. I seriously needed it after last week. My whole family played hooky today and we all just hung out and cleaned house. So strange. Shouldn't that be the last thing you do on a day you play hooky? I think so. My brother got his wisdom teeth out this morning. He looks like a chipmunk and now he has an excuse for giving inaudible responses to every question anyone asks him. Time to get back to the real world which tonight consists of homework and cleaning.
Here's some tunes for you.
"Forgive Me" by Missy Higgins
"Top of the World" by Patty Griffin
"Jolene" by The Weepies (where the title comes from)
This week has been nothing short of ridiculous. I've had Ingrid Michaelson singing in my head all week, "All I can do is keep breathing..." That is seriously how I've felt. I hate being in weird moods because it's so unlike me and I don't like how I am and I don't like how other people react to it. It's just not fun. I am slowly learning that I can't always fix everything. As much as I would like to be able to, it doesn't always work like that. That's been really hard for me to grasp this week.
On another note, I'm going home this weekend to talk to my family about moving to S. Korea. I am really dreading it. I know that they will love me and support me no matter what. But it breaks my heart to think that I will miss some really big events in their lives while I'm gone. I realize that high school graduation might not be the biggest deal in the big scope of things, but to my sisters, right now, it is. This is something they've worked hard for and I want to be there more than they can imagine.
This whole "moving to Korea" decision has been really hard for me to make. I really think it's where God wants me but I'm not quite okay with it just yet. I am starting to figure out why I think He wants me there. Over the past 21 years, I have never been too far from home. Obviously, I did go to Africa but I texted my mom everyday while I was there. I find so much security in having my family and friends in close proximity to me. One of the reasons that I chose Missouri State was so that if something happened, I was only an hour and a half from home. It is going to be really hard for me to leave everything I have sought comfort in for my entire life. But maybe that's what I need right now. My biggest fear is that something is going to happen to someone and I am going to be on the other side of the world. Just thinking about it makes me want to put my hands over my ears and start humming so that I can't hear God telling me to go...
But nothing's final yet. I haven't even applied. I'm going to finish my resume and update my testimony and hopefully send it off next week. The coming weeks are going to be really busy. GAL's spring rush will be getting into full swing. I'm co-leading the rush class Bible study. We're going to be covering Nooma videos and I'm SUPER excited! Invisible Children is going to be coming back into town and I am so excited to be helping out with that. Spring break is coming up super fast and that means Kim's wedding will be here way sooner than I'm ready for. And in 90 days I will walk across a stage and recieve a diploma. I seriously cannot believe it has been 4 years since I got here.
I'm going to conclude with some songs that have really been talking to me lately.
"Keep Breathing" by Ingrid Michaelson
"Before the Worst" by The Script
"Where the Story Ends (Piano Version)" by The Fray
"Crack the Shutters" by Snow Patrol
"In This Diary" by The Ataris (where this blog title comes from)
So, I've decided to blog. Mainly because I feel so guilty about being subscribed to nearly 40 blogs and never putting myself out there like my friends do. I'm trying to work on being more open and sharing my feelings. I hate it. I would much rather listen to everyone else's problems than talk about my own.
I have a morbid fear of being "that girl." You know... the annoying one that complains all the time just to get attention. So, I tend to stay around the opposite end of the spectrum most of the time. I hate attention. I would much prefer to be behind the scenes.
Anyway, I don't want to talk about that anymore. I'm going to go back to watching Pretty in Pink, reading The Iliad, and studying my Art History slides somewhat simultaneously. Hope you all enjoy trying to get to school tomorrow!
