winsome abandon

"The pathway is broken and the signs are unclear..."

Posted by c3 , Wednesday, March 4, 2009 3:08 AM

So the last week has been, in a word, consuming. I had 4 tests last week, homework on top of that, GAL stuff, and just a lot on my mind. I don't know if I have ever had a stretch of so many days in a row where I have just felt so heavy. To tell you the truth, I know that it is only by God's grace that I made it to the weekend without having a major breakdown. I have some really big, really hard decisions to make here in the next few weeks and months and every time I feel like I have an answer, something happens to throw me right back into a state of chaos and questioning. I don't have things figured out. At all. These are the hardest, most important, life-changing decisions I have ever had to deal with and I hate it.

On one hand, I feel like the opportunity to go to S. Korea and teach English for a year or more would be incredible. It is the first and only opportunity that has really presented itself to me and that, among many others, is one of the reasons that I really have felt called to go there. Being able to start substantially paying off my student loans and immerse myself into a culture I know very little about are both huge perks. Another reason I feel like Korea is a good option is how far out of my comfort zone that is. I have become so comfortable here. I've never lived more than an hour and a half from the home I have lived in my entire life. I have found so much comfort and security in having my friends and family so close to me and my biggest fear about going to Korea is something happening to someone I love and not being able to be there. Having to completely rely on God and trust that His plan for my life and the lives of those I love is far better than what I could come up with would be a huge growing experience. I feel like one thing I really struggle with trusting God with is the lives of those I love. If I can't be here to take care of them, I will have to trust that He will. Last week, I started really thinking about being gone for a year in a foreign country, quite possibly with no one else I know and I almost threw up. I have never been more scared of anything in my entire life.

On the other hand, staying here would present some challenges as well. Trying to find a job right now in a profession that is already hard to get into without a Master's degree does not sound appealing whatsoever. The amount of student loan debt I have accumulated is atrocious and I want to get that taken care of relatively soon. I realize that school debt is "good debt" but I don't want it to have me tied down my whole life. I told myself that I would never leave the country long term before I had my loans paid off. Obviously, this wouldn't apply to Korea because of how much it would be helping me to pay off those loans. There are so many things that I have gotten involved with this year that I would love to follow through with.

These two options are hard enough but on top of it, I really just want to save the world. God has blessed me with an unbridled passion for the children of the world who don't have a voice. My heart aches just thinking about the child soldiers in Uganda, the 5 year old girls in brothels in Nepal, and the 40,000 children all over the world that die every single day from hunger-related diseases. I feel so helpless sometimes and I just want to drop everything and go to their rescue. That's what made me go to Uganda in the first place. I had to do something about it. I could not stand to know about the things going on in Uganda and not go there and try to do something about it. Americans think throwing money at the problems of the third world is enough and the truth is that it's not. Often times, it makes things worse because when that money runs out people are still unable to take care of themselves. I get so frustrated sometimes because, right now, I can't be there. I feel guilty crawling into my warm bed every night knowing that those things are going on. I feel totally blessed to have the things I have and I just want to use those blessings to better the world.

I am really having a hard time with this. I have been trying to be vulnerable and ask people for advice and spilling my guts about this over and over and it has been a really frustrating experience. I feel like everyone has a biased opinion on what I should do. The people I love the most, want me to stay. And I get that. I am struggling to trust the people that I normally trust the most to speak truth into my life because I know that they definitely have an opinion on the issue. I need a completely neutral third party to bounce things off of, but I'm really struggling to find someone I trust enough to do that with. I really do love you all, this decision just keeps getting harder to deal with.

I really just want to find what God's will is for my life and seek after it wholeheartedly. In the past, my big decisions have been super easy for me to make. When I decided to go to Uganda, I had no doubt that I was doing exactly what I was supposed to be the entire time. Through all of my passport troubles and other problems I had, I never doubted. But this time around, I haven't had that clear answer. I think that's one of the reasons I've been so frustrated with this whole thing. I have absolutely no idea where I'm going to be 6 months from now. Last week, I could not stop thinking about this fact and it was beginning to physically make me sick trying to figure it out. This week, I haven't given it much thought and I'm feeling better. I just can't think about it anymore. So I decided not to. I am going to be patient and wait for that still small whisper to guide me. Because more than anything... more than wanting to pay off my student loans, more than wanting to stay close to my family and friends, more than wanting to save the world... I want to do what God has intended for my life.

This title comes from the song "If You Want Me To" by Ginny Owens. There have been so many times in my life where this song has just really spoken to me and this is definitely one of them.

I have a lot of really exciting upbeat stuff to talk about. I'll be doing that soon. I just really needed to get a lot of that off my chest. Peace.